There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
