I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
