Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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