Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
then he tried to convert me to islam
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Please don't give away my fajitas
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