When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i wish my penis had a tongue
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
