yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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