Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
