Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
