my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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