I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
