Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
