Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
