I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
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If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
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I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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