And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
