I could make wine with my vomit
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
