Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.