Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?