No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
This is my gift to your gina
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say