Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
