Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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