I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
