Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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