I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Randomize
