Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
