There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I am in a vortex of obligation.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
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no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
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this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
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