he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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