proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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