I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
