I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
