I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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