I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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