Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
