Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
They left me at home... I'm a liability
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
