fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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