...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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