How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
