I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
