i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
