You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
