I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
