Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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