apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
