Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
