70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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