He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
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He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
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Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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