i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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