I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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