You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
