And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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