shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
