you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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