Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
