I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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