We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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