yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
