dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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