Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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