I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
